Serving - Not Being Taken Advantage Of

I am really grateful for a wonderful article that my friend Andrea shared with me. The article is called, "In the Service of Life," by Rachel Naomi Remen. Here are some quotes that I liked:

* "Serving is different from helping. Helping is based on inequality; it is not a relationship between equals. When you help you use your own strength to help those of lesser strength."

* "Helping incurs debt. When you help someone they owe you one. But serving, like healing, is mutual. There is no debt. I am as served as the person I am serving. When I help I have a feeling of satisfaction. When I serve I have a feeling of gratitude. These are very different things."

* "A server knows that he or she is being used and has a willingness to be used in the service of something greater, something essentially unknown."

* "The bottom line, of course, is that we can fix without serving. And we can help without serving. And we can serve without fixing or helping. I think I would go so far as to say that fixing and helping may often be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul. They may look similar if you're watching from the outside, but the inner experience is different. The outcome is often different, too."

* "Our service serves us as well as others. That which uses us strengthens us. Over time, fixing and helping are draining, depleting. Over time we burn out. Service is renewing. When we serve, our work itself will sustain us."

* "Fundamentally, helping, fixing and service are ways of seeing life. When you help you see life as weak, when you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. From the perspective of service, we are all connected: All suffering is like my suffering and all joy is like my joy. The impulse to serve emerges naturally and inevitably from this way of seeing."

These quotes really help me out when I feel like I am "helping" and getting completely drained and resentful.

One of these situations my husband volunteered me for. One of his colleges at school wanted his daughter to be able to attend Ferris preschool. But, since he and the mom work, the daughter is in day care and had no way of getting to and from preschool. Originally they wanted me to pick up their daughter and drop her back off for them. And Chris happily said I would do it. Then when he talked to me about it (several weeks after the fact) I pointed out that logistically I couldn't be in two places at the same time. Getting my own kids on the bus and off to school and picking up some stranger's kid off of 61st and Regal. So then Chris told them they could drop their daughter off at my house and then I could take her to preschool when it was time.

Thankfully it worked out that the mom could adjust her work schedule so that she can drop her daughter off on Mondays and Tuesdays. So all I have to do is pick her up on Mondays and Tuesdays and drive her to her day care. (Her grandma takes care of her on Fridays).

For the longest time I was so mad at Chris for putting me in this situation and not listening to my "NO! I don't want to do this." But after reading and internalizing this article my heart has been softened and I am now finding joy in being able to get to know such a cute girl and knowing that I am responsible for getting her safely to day care. And it has also been good for Sean, he loves having someone to sit by and talk to in the empty van as we drive.

Situation two - I am still working on finding the joy in - but at least my attitude is not as bad as at first.

My neighbor works as a nurse. Last year she had a floating schedule, this year she works every Thursday and Friday. They have jump rope club at Adams, so on Thursdays she drives her kids there at 8am and then off to work she goes. I don't know what she did the first couple of Friday mornings dealing with kids and work - and it was not any concern to me.

Then, on the third Thursday of school, late in the evening she gives me a call explaining that her supervisor needs her to come in earlier, so could she drop the kids off at my house and then have me walk everyone down to the bus stop when it is time? "Sure," I say sympathetically.

So, Friday morning comes and so do the kids. When it is time to leave for the bus stop all six kids (my 3 and her 3) come filing out of my front door, all in a line and start walking down the street. It was actually pretty funny as they are usually not so orderly and our neighbors (who are fixing up their house) across the street had some workers outside. The workers all smiled and laughed as they saw all these kids coming out of my house. We made it to the bus stop and all was well.

The next Friday comes and so do my neighbors kids again!!! (Thank goodness I was dressed - that doesn't always happen until right before we leave the house.) I was so shocked! What was up? She didn't call. I very much recall that our last phone conversation had only mentioned a one time deal of them coming over in the morning. And so, every Friday since, I have 3 extra kids at my house in the morning and 6 kids to shepherd down to the bus stop.

So on Monday and Tuesdays I get to take one little girl to daycare and on Fridays I get 3 extra kids in the morning. But that is okay, because that is part of life and I like being a part of it. I am not going to help - I am going to serve because I love my neighbors. And, selfishly, serving will fill me up while just helping will drain all my energy and make me mad. I am glad I get to choose. I am going to choose to be happy and enjoy my opportunities to interface with life.